Headline Jokes 12/17

- Warner Bros has obtained the rights to film Drew Peterson’s fifth wedding. Working title? “Corpse Bride 2.”

- Nickelodeon announced they will be covering the presidential inauguration. In addition to broadcasting the festivities, the network will also name Rod Blagojevich the Secretary of Slime.

- “Due to technical issues,” the Toronto Stock Exchange was temporarily shut down on Wednesday. Last time I checked, a moose in the trading halls is hardly technical.

- As part of the new $121 billion budget, New York governor David Paterson has announced a tax on iPods. In related news, everyone still refuses to buy a Zune.

- Yale University’s endowment has declined 25% amid the recession. Bob Jones University experienced similar losses, and has been forced to sell off a cow, thirteen chickens, and a slew of Klan paraphernalia

- Scientists have created a new map that shows where Americans are most likely to die. Blue areas are low risk, red areas are high risk, and the large green skull and crossbones signifies West Palm Beach.

Here’s a quote for ya

I have this feeling that whoever is elected president, no matter what you promise on the campaign trail – blah, blah, blah – when you win, you go into this smoke-filled room with the twelve industrialist capitalist scum-fucks who got you in there. And you’re in this smoky room, and this little film screen comes down … and a big guy with a cigar goes, “Roll the film.” And it’s a shot of the Kennedy assassination from an angle you’ve never seen before … that looks suspiciously like it’s from the grassy knoll. And then the screen goes up and the lights come up, and they go to the new president, “Any questions?” “Er, just what my agenda is.” “First we bomb Baghdad.” “You got it…”

– Bill Hicks

The world is a good good good place sometimes.

On No Shave November

If we consider the things to which we commit months—breast cancer awareness, black history—it’s a little embarrassing to think we just spent an entire month infatuated with beards. Their mystique is undeniable: a bearded face is the visage of unbridled masculinity, an all-encompassing ode to virility, eccentricity, wisdom, vagrancy, and the Talmud. But after ruminating on No Shave November, I think we might’ve depleted the beard of its brawn, shaving it down to an ignoble trend.

Follow me. We grow beards for a handful of reasons, the most common, I suspect, is laziness. Stubble is sexy, right? Then why not accumulate sexiness by doing absolutely nothing? As the stubble develops into a beard, so does the emotional attachment, and before you know it you have a beautiful four-ounce baby beard that needs you like Barbaro needed an enormous wheelchair. Can I get an awwww from the pro-lifer’s in the house?

Or consider this: You suffer incredible anxiety whenever you meet people, mostly because you can’t…uh…gee…so anyways…hold a conversation. Then you get the idea to grow a beard—a portable hobby. You soon learn that each new inch of face-fur automatically compels one or two minutes of conversation. You can talk about grooming, food getting caught in the mustache, the oppressive heat of summer—beards are so much fun to talk about!

But then you consider your bearded forefathers. Distinguished men with distinguished beards and distinguished legacies. There’s Abe Lincoln and his unwavering honesty; Santa Claus and his benevolence; Confucius and wisdom; Zeus and his ability to turn things into eagles.

And then it hits you: What am I doing for the beard? The beard has given you recognition, facial eminence, shelter from harsh winds, and the guarantee that you’ll no longer be asked if you’d like a kid’s menu. What are you putting into the relationship?

Keep in mind that for all the admirable beard legacies exist an equal number of those who have tarnished the beard’s reputation. Revolutionary mass-murderer, oppressor, and T-shirt figurehead Che Guevara kept a scrappy beard. Ivan the Terrible earned his name not only for killing thousands, but also for having a ratty and unkempt beard. Despite an endless fortune, director/producer/soul-sucker George Lucas took one of America’s most beloved movie franchises into his greedy hands and wrung it dry of all integrity and tolerability. He, too, has a beard.

I suppose what I’m trying to do here is fight the fad. I dread the day when beards take their place on the mantle of Things We Loved But Got Sick Of, along with pogs, Tamagotchis, and Chris Kattan.

Therefore, wear the beard with honor, with distinction. Turn things into eagles.

And if you’re a slave to sloth and have no intentions to shave because it is so time consuming, beware. One day you might accidentally make a seventh Star Wars movie.

If you haven’t read this, do.

That One Kid In Rec Basketball League Always Wearing Jeans During Games

Time Travel Story

Visit Yankee Pot Roast and read my poorly written, highly offensive story about pilgrims and such.

Click this different-colored text to go to the story.

Celebrate Bedru!

I made this video for the CollegeHumor Campus Chaos Challenge, but for a handful of reasons decided not to submit it. I’m fine sharing it here, though:

Enjoy!

Here’s a link if the video doesn’t show: Celebrate Bedru!

Stepping down, eh?

To be fair, I doubt much stepping will occur.

Who ever decided OAR was worth listening to? My roommate’s passed out right now, OAR blaring from his speakers, and it sounds terrible. Awful. There’s not that discrepancy about them where you can say, “Well at least they have _________.” The band sounds like any three random schmucks I could find out in the quad on a warm day, the singer’s got nothing going for him except that he probably smoked a lot, so his voice is sort of raspy. That doesn’t discount being a quarter-step flat on every single note.

I thought that maybe they were all incredibly good looking, so guys’ girlfriends dragged them to all their concerts, hence a fan base, but no. Nothing spectacular. One of them looks like his skull got a little misshapen when coming out the birth canal.

Now that I’ve been listening for about ten minutes now, I’ve figured it out. It’s the lyrics. They’re brilliant. Get this:

I say now skitili dat dat dat well how bout that
I’m coming out the front never coming out the back
I walked into the bar yesterday
Cause I had something to do, something to say

Inspired! Profound! Truly prophetic, the most gifted lyricist of our generation! Furthermore:

On the ground, looked over my shoulder
And I saw a clown
And I said what are you doing in the bar tonight?
And I said Johnny whatcha doing tonight?
He looked at me with a face full of fright

Again, absolutely masterful. I guess I was wrong. OAR certainly deserves all the fame they’re given.

phish phish phish

phish is back, let’s have a party.