“Steve, your pillow’s on fire.” Those were the first words I heard this morning. In all fairness, I was sleeping next to a camp fire and these things tend to happen. Still, it’s sort of scary to know that I was about 3 inches away from becoming Seal.

Public Displays of Awesomeness

Hey lovebirds, how exciting it must be to have a brand new year to stand around and display affection with your special someone. Unlike most, I find watching PDA completely exhilarating and hilarious. It’s like my version of bird-watching. Is that weird? Not at all. Don’t tell me you didn’t flip out when Jim and Pam locked it up on “The Office”, and that was fiction. PDA is for real!

Let’s all be immature here and realize that it’s funny/intriguing/gross to watch two young adults getting friendly, especially in a public arena. If you’re engaging in PDA, this is the message you are broadcasting:

 

Two star-crossed lovers passionately embrace in a packed hallway.

Girl: Attention shoppers, this piece of man meat is officially sold.

Guy: I AM MAN. I LIKE TOUCH PRETTY GIRL.

Girl: Goodbye lonely nights around the dorm watching “Gilmore Girls”.

Guy: GIRL SMELL GOOD! He discreetly chews on her ponytail.

Girl: It feels so good to have someone who will be there for me, who will protect me and let me know that I am appreciated. Plus, I’m a total shoe-in for his floor’s formal!

The guy says nothing, but sweats profusely instead..

Girl: Katie just walked by. Good. Now the fact that Patrick dumped her will hurt even more! She totally throws up after meals. I heard that she used to have a birthmark on her armpit that made it look hairy, but her parents shelled out three grand to have it lasered off.

Guy: SO HORRRNNNYYYYY!!!! He gets a bloody nose, and smoke begins to pipe out of his ears.

Girl: I don’t even care that he’s sort of fat, or that his brother was on “To Catch a Predator”, he’s still a winner in my book.

The guy, overwhelmed by passion, animorphs into an elephant and carries the girl away under his massive trunk. He tramples and kills two students, along with a visiting dignitary from Liberia.

To sum it up, PDA is kind of doubles figure skating. Some people like it and appreciate it for its finer points, while others think that it is boring and gay. Either way, two people are really, really enjoying themselves. So there you have it, my take on PDA. I know that somewhere out there, someone read this thinking that PDA is a handheld computer of sorts. To that guy, I offer you my sympathies, and hope that your avatar in W.O.W. is kicking major butt. Yeah!

Lesser Known Last Words

-Wow, another beautiful day in Hiroshima.

-What are the rules of Razor Blade Frisbee again?
-I wonder if real elephant ears taste like the pastry version…

-(In Baghdad airport) AMERICA RULEZ!!!
-Don’t Roman candles usually hold twelve shots?

-OK, I’ll do it. But I better get that Klondike Bar.
-I hope there’s truth to the rumor that bleach works as an antacid.

-Are you done with your fork? My Pop-Tart got stuck in the toaster.
-I’ll jaywalk if I feel like jaywalking.

-Check it out, it’s Pacman Jones! I’m getting his autograph!

-Could I ask just one more question, Senator Kerry?

iLlogical

The iPhone, this century’s answer to the Swiss Army Knife, is the self proclaimed answer to everything, for everyone. Imagine this: Your buddy Dale calls you up to tell you about a hilarious Seinfeld clip he found on Youtube. You hang up the phone, but instead of getting up from the couch to watch the video on your computer, you watch it on your sleek, revolutionary telephone. That’s the iPhone for you. Isn’t that incredible?

No. It’s not incredible. It’s a party trick, that’s what it is. The iPhone is nothing but an ego inflator that can play “Mmmbop” on repeat. If the iPhone were any more over-hyped, it would be Lindsay Lohan. And suckers everywhere are dropping 400 bones (plus accessories and plans) for these things, while elsewhere, people can’t afford a meal a day. Can you imagine what a conversation between America and the Third World would be like? I can:

 

America: Hey Third World, what have you been up to these days?

 

Third World: Oh not much. Scrounging, applying for vaccines, swatting mosquitoes, etc. And you?

 

America: The same, more or less. I just got this sweet new iPhone for 400 bucks. I was getting sick of having to carry my cell in my left pocket and my iPod in the right. It was a real hassle. Also, we had this contest a while back in NYC, where people ate as many hot dogs as they could in twelve minutes. One guy ate 66. Good times.

 

Third World: I don’t feel so good…

 

Do you see what we must look like? I don’t care how much you surf the web, talk on the phone, or listen to music; the iPhone is so extravagant and needless, it should make us all feel a bit shameful. Besides, if you really wanted to combine your phone and your iPod, you could just duct tape them together. Human ingenuity will save you a couple hundred bucks if you give it a chance.

In an effort to appear less preachy, let me geek out for a moment. Apparently the iPhone isn’t the stud it’s made out to be. People are saying that it holds a charge like an infant holds its liquid. Also, purchasing an iPhone requires an automatic two year marriage to Cingular, and infidelity is impossible unless you’re a seventeen year old hyper-gamer (see recent news).

So again, don’t buy one. If by chance you slipped up and already purchased one, here’s my advice to you: Continue to use your iPhone so that you don’t waste it. You’ll look like a total jerk doing so; therefore I suggest you give it a disguise. The iPhone is sleek enough that it can fit into your Grandpa’s old flask, so there’s an option. Be creative.

Owning an iPhone is on par with putting your car up on spinners, popping your collar, or announcing your bid for presidency on Letterman– it’s all a show. Like all shows, it’s worthless unless people pay attention to it. We, as young men and women, can stop this trend if we just turn away from it…. Just kidding, Apple is unstoppable.

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