Loving Legal Living | Nov 21st 2007
Turning eighteen for me meant only one thing: Selling cigarettes to middle schoolers. I imagine that for most people, turning eighteen has its subtle charms, but within a week or so everything is back to normal. I admit it was pretty much the same for me. Despite all the extra dirty cigarette money I was making, I was pretty much wasting my newly found adulthood. So I started dating an old lady.
Well, actually, if you want to put it in Facebook terms, “it’s complicated”. You see, there’s this adorable old lady named Beverly whose condo I stop by every couple of days. We sit, chat, drink tea- all the usual stuff you would expect from old people. But then sometimes I rub her feet. For money. Yup, five bucks every time I rub her feet, plus all the hard candies I want. And then sometimes, on weekends, she pays me to drag her around in a Radio Flyer wagon through the park. She gives me like ten bucks for that, plus an extra 2.50 if I sing “My Funny Valentine”. So basically I do her little favors, make some extra cash, and I weasel my way into her will. So not technically dating, but we do go on dates.
Beverly has also shown me a life of sophistication. I mean, I’m not even twenty yet and I enjoy butter pecan ice cream. I know what a doily is, I know how to properly prepare grapefruit, and I can operate a Victrola. The only downside is that she makes me do weird things sometimes. Like when Merv Griffin died, she had me wear a black arm band and I had to sing “I’ve Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts” while stroking a photograph of Kathryn Grayson. And last week I had to waltz with her in her late husbands’ old tux. Gross! But other than that, she’s golden.
Another “grown-up” thing that I’ve done recently is donated my body to science. It was so easy! I just signed up with the University of Tennessee Medical Center, and I guess that they work with forensic examiners doing CSI kind of stuff. I’m totally sewing a bag of coke into my forearm before I die; those med students will get a real kick out of it!
Being an adult is the best, and there are so many things that I still want to try. I’m definitely ordering some OXY Clean next time I see the infomercial. Then, I’ll probably slip a razor blade into some chicken nuggets so that I can file a lawsuit. And then get a tat with the settlement money. In the meantime I’m crossing my fingers for jury duty.
