What a world we live in.

It is good to know that vampires are taking an interest in politics. http://www.jonathontheimpalerforpresident2008.us/Campaign_Page.html

He supports the impalement of Paris Hilton and Mike Tyson.

Juno

I saw Juno last night, and I gotta say I’m digging that girl. She sort of walks like Charlie Chaplin or E.T., and I’m not sure why that’s attractive, but it is. We’re the same age, so maybe we’ll meet up at summer camp or something. Anyway, I’m not sure how I feel about all these random sitcom folks that popped up in the movie. I’ll never watch Arrested Development again without getting pedophile vibes from Jason Bateman.

All in all, the movie was remarkably carefree and fresh, like a stick of gum. Everyone took the whole pregnant-and-sixteen thing so casually, I can’t imagine what would’ve happened if the baby died. I’m sure it would’ve involved a mix tape.

Cutesy Ellen Page

Wanted:

I’m looking for an anonymous benefactor; preferably old, preferably crazy. I want to escape my humble roots as the son of a blacksmith and live more like the Monopoly guy. I want my bologna to be smoked salmon, and my hot dogs to be gold-plated peasant fingers. Most of all, I just want this guitar:

It’s an Artinger, but I think it may have been built by an angel. Pretty, ain’t it? Anyway, I know you’re out there, anonymous benefactor. The best way to reach me is via checkbook. Thanks.

Foggy as a Cataract

            I don’t get why old people like to cover their couches with plastic. I’m pretty sure it’s just a subtle way of giving up on life. “Hey, look at me, I’m too old and saggy that I can’t keep food from falling out of my mouth! It was either install a net under my chin, or cover this couch in plastic.” Seriously, stop being such defeatists. It’s the same thing with Velcro shoes. What are you, five years old? Arthritis shmarthritis, buy some grown-up shoes, be a man and tie those laces

 

How Rich People Talk

 

Blanchefleur Lilly Likastamp: My goodness, I have expired my palate. One candied egg goes a long way.

Percival Dubois Ectoplasm: Indeed my dear, indeed. Tell me, Mordred, how did you ever make your first million?

Mordred Likastamp: (Inspecting monocle) Well, Percival, I flew in cheap labor from the south, played my cards properly overseas, and soon enough I was eating elk medallions for breakfast. And you?

Percival Dubois Ectoplasm: (Petting peacock) I inherited a sizeable figure from my father and organized my investments, and now I have a penguin tank in my living room. And you, Fiddy, how did you make your first million?

50 Cent: Man, I been slangin’ rock since I was twelve, get rich or die tryin’, know what I’m sayin’? Then my boy Em heard my stuff, picked me up, now I got hoes, coast to coast, if ya hear what I’m sayin’. Now pour me summa dat Chateau Lafite befo’ I kick your yo’ goofy head off!

Mordred Likastamp: Coast to coast, you say?

Blanchefleur Lilly Likastamp: MORDRED!!!

Seedgiveth…wtf?

I figured it was about time I clarified my url. Seedgivethtree is an anagram of my name. That’s all. Nothing deep, nothing shallow, not a farmer’s market. Just an anagram.

Gonna Tell a Whopper

Burger King’s been running these ads lately where they tell the customers that they no longer sell the Whopper. The reactions are pretty funny, but I bet they couldn’t use a lot of them on TV. So I dressed up like a Burger King worker and repeated the experiment, all the while jotting down the best responses.

- Well on the bright side, this might tag an extra couple of years onto the end of my wife’s life

- I bet this had something to do with blackmail. And steroids. And Ronald McDonald. Some combination of the three.

- Woah, woah, woah, hold the phone! Hold the pickles! Hold the lettuce…special orders don’t upset us…make me a Whopper or I’ll kill your family.

- I thought hell felt a little bit colder this morning…

- If Steve Harvey got us the Chicken Whopper, I’m sure he can save the normal one. Pray, Steve Harvey, send rescue!

- That’s fine. Malted milk balls hold no place in my heart.

To end the story quickly, apparently it’s a federal offense to impersonate a Burger King employee. Jail isn’t that bad.

Oh. My.

Someone sign this kid up for football, fast!

True Confession:

I’ve never actually ridden in a one horse sleigh. Every time I sing “Jingle Bells” I lie.

Practically a Celebrity

If any of you happen to pick up the latest DVD installment of Clapton Crossroads Guitar Festival, there’s a fellow standing in the front row next to a guy who looks like Chief from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest and possibly the only girl in the venue without a C-section scar. That fellow is me. Peek closely during the Clapton set, the Jeff Beck set, and the Derek Trucks set.