Getting High

    Historically, people have always been short. Why, just a hundred years ago the average man could barely reach the microwave, often leaving Hot Pockets undercooked. Through selective breeding with basketball stars, however, today’s average Joe stands just below six feet, a far cry from our malnourished ancestors.

    Measuring a modest 5 feet 7 inches, I am, by Old Navy’s standards, “small.” Sure I’m short, but send me to, say, Saigon or Middle Earth, and I’m a veritable Shaquille O’Neal. Though not at all envious of my lankier peers, I often fall victim to a form of discrimination that most are too short to see. More often than not, tall people unjustly receive preferential treatment when their height should be a hindrance.

    Consider front seat politics. In my experience, Talls feel their disgustingly long limbs earn them automatic copilot status. They are woefully unaware that shorter, more portable individuals also enjoy leg room. Keep in mind, Tall, when your 54-inch fifth grade self was soaring high on the roller coasters, pre-pubescent pipsqueaks stood dejected and grounded, feeding woodchips to ducks. While you and your emergent mustache excelled in gym class, tinier tweens were counting the minutes to geometry, where the Pythagorean theorem made no judgments on physical stature.

    Let’s face it: Women prefer taller men, 90% of CEOs are above average height, and tall people are far more likely to win NBA slam dunk contests. Talls have it made. Conversely, short people must purchase their spouses from Eastern Europe, acquire corporate positions by slipping cardboard in their heels, and slam dunk by standing on Daddy’s shoulders. How unbalanced! How unreasonable! How shortsighted! Alas, how typical.

    Despite the unmerited advantages enjoyed by Talls, short people have no excuse to mistreat them. After all, if someone has a hole in their trachea, a decent individual will offer them a fluid collection cup during dinner. If someone has crutches, kind people will offer them aloe for their chafed pits.

In the same way, it is only fair and diplomatic for short people to treat Talls with the same kindness. But let me be clear: Talls should reciprocate that kindness.

Remember, Talls, your vertical endowment isn’t necessarily permanent. Heck, give it fifty years and you’ll be collapsing vertebrae like blocks in Tetris. Before you know it, you’ll be taking bisphosphonates like M&Ms, and your spine will curve like a question mark.

On the contrary, reach high, my shorter brethren. It is better to live short than to die in a freak ceiling fan accident. To quote “The Newsies”: Wrongs will be righted, if we’re united. Let us seize the day. Proud and defiant, we’ll slay the giant*. Let us seize the day.

As far as quick fixes go, only one thing will close this gap of partiality: reality television. America needs a show with role reversal, extravagant prizes, and a former Brady Bunch kid in a bikini to mend this situation. If not for Taylor Hicks and “American Idol,” gray-haired children would still be targeted by bullies. If “Deal or No Deal” hadn’t aired, the brief case industry would still be in the toilet. Without “Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?,” I would not be smarter than a fifth grader. I’m telling you, reality television works wonders!

Goofiness aside, tolerability at all levels can put a cap on heightism. Awareness of not just others, but ourselves, is crucial to…tolerance…desegregate…utopia…the children…eh, you know what I’m getting at.

*not advocating homicide

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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