My own cloaking device

I recently bought a burqa with the intent of causing all sorts of mischief. I bought it so that I can attend a women’s conference undetected, and then write an awesome story about my experiences as a woman/Muslim in our school newspaper, The Echo. Also, I sort of want to take it to the mall–to Hollister or something–and scare some tweens. My frame is slender enough where I can pass undetected as a woman as long as I wear the right shoes. Here’s the picture from the website:

I’ll have to sew some mesh or something over the eye slit, otherwise my eyebrows will give away my gender. Although I plan to have some serious fun with this thing, I’m intending for it to be a learning experience. I’m pretty adamant on tolerance, and I want to make sure I can lace my story with a message. Besides, the newspaper gives me paychecks under the mutual agreement that I be serious sometimes.

Edit: If you only read the first sentence and a half, I seem like the biggest perve/voyeur/creep in history.

Concert season!

I was pretty excited to discover today that the Allman Brothers are playing Northerly Island this summer. I’ve seen all the members separately, except for Gregg Allman and Marc Quinones, so this should be a good time. They’re being supported by Bob Weir, and I know that any time you get all these guys up on stage, special guests tend to trickle in throughout the show. Furthermore, this’ll be my first show at Northerly Island, of which I’ve only heard good things. My Nag Champa is burning in anticipation.

Also, if you caught the four o’clock NBC news tonight, you may have seen me flailing my arms in selected shots, much to the cameraman’s dismay.

Also, also: Summer decided to stop being such an agoraphobe by making a brief appearance this afternoon. I really appreciated it.

Worst/Best Movie Clips Ever

I was pretty impressed that someone took not only the liberty to compile all these clips, but to actually watch the movies.

Pompey and the Jackass

From the 1855 slave narrative, From Slave Cabin to Pulpit:

“Pompey, how do I look?” the master asked.

“O, massa, mighty. You looks mighty.”

“What do you mean ‘mighty,’ Pompey?”

“Why, massa, you looks noble.”

“What do you mean by noble?”

“Why, suh, you looks just like a lion.”

“Why, Pompey, where have you ever seen a lion?”

“I saw one down in yonder field the other day, massa.”

“Pompey, you foolish fellow, that was a jackass.”

“Was it, massa? Well, suh, you looks just like him.”

Confession…

Alright, I gotta put this out on the table. I dig Alanis Morissette so hard. I know, she’s really not that hot and her music sort of pigeonholes itself, but man, I dig her. Especially the late nineties hair-to-the-butt version of her. She just sends off these vibes…and I know it’s not just me, she was engaged to Ryan Reynolds, and I’m pretty sure he could score any girl on the planet. I’m not gonna lie, my roommate was gone for four days early this semester, and I fell asleep to “Simple Together” on repeat every single night. So soothing. I woke up energized, virile, and ready to plant a tree every day. ‘Cause that’s what Alanis does. Look at this picture of her.

Don’t lie. You know she just made your day better.

Diggin’ those MILFs.

I’d like to call attention to this interesting BBC story on MILFs. Very insightful.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/3003809.stm

“ The US government, however, is watching the MILF closely.”

I bet they are.

Pass on Glass

Earlier this year I had a run in with Pillsbury where I found a shard of glass in one of their delicious cookies:

Yup, that’s the one. Anyway, the good folks at Pillsbury sent me an official letter of apology subtly urging me not to sue. I won’t. But if I could get some free cookies somehow…

Baby Ella

Got to babysit today. Someone trusted me with their child. We had fun though, here’s a pic:

We were reading Malcolm X, but I strayed from the text a little bit. In fact, I just retold a classic: “One day Burt was painting. It was hard work. Ernie…” You get the idea.

Bonus Features

For those directed from collegehumor, here is the job category that the editorial staff deleted from “A Field Guide to Summer Jobs”:

Mother: You’ve all heard it said that being a mother is a full-time job. Well, that’s not so true anymore; it’s more of a seasonal affair. In fact, you don’t even have to be a woman to be a mother. You just need to act really, really gay. Being a mom is a great summer job if you want to take young children and turn them into science projects. It is an excellent opportunity to vicariously live out the dreams you were never able to accomplish when you were little because your parents were too poor. Groom that child for the big leagues! Downsides (there are many of them): First off, being a mother doesn’t bring in a paycheck. In fact, you might actually have to pay money for, like, food and stuff (unless you forage movie theatre dumpsters like me for old bags of popcorn). Secondly, the first two weeks of being a summer mom are miserable because you have to make up for all the mothering you didn’t do during the school year. Most likely, your children will be covered in hair, dirt, and fecal matter. They’ll probably growl at you and try to gnaw at your ankles. Don’t be alarmed! This is normal. If you can manage these things, then being a mother is a great summer job.

…more like “of the crystal meth”

I just might forego pooping until Wednesday night/Thursday morning. Can’t wait.