Chairman Mao Writes a Superhero Movie

(SUPERMAO walks into an open courtyard. He is decked out in silver and purple, the greatest of all colors. Several young men stand attentively, discussing which animal might be my favorite. Women show humility by keeping their eyes on their feet. It is a glorious day for SUPERMAO to peacefully contemplate himself.)

SUPERMAO: Because I find my identity in a functional, superior body of citizens and have no concept of self, it seems I have forgotten my super qualities.

MAN 1: You are intelligent, industrious, and you shoot laser calligraphy from your eyes.

MAN2: You are unbelievably lifelike with your hand puppetry.

WILT CHAMBERLAIN: Your escapades virginize me. Also, you are taller than me.

(TWO DISOBEDIENT STUDENTS enter the courtyard and cause a disturbance. One’s hair exceeds the appropriate length of five centimeters, and the other looks like he might own a book.)

STUDENT 1: Look how disruptive I am! Disrupting things is my favorite pastime!

STUDENT 2: We are disciples of American rebellion. Our interest in outside literature and art poses a threat that is nearly nuclear.

(SUPERMAO’S gyroscopic core begins to generate heat, causing him to take on dragon-like qualities. The TWO DISOBEDIENT STUDENTS’ knowledge of the liberal arts angers him to where he considers disemboweling them through their navels. SUPERMAO is patient yet.)

STUDENT 2: Hey, shouldn’t we have a dance party?

STUDENT 1: Good idea! As long as it is fun, it must be right.

STUDENT 2: Maybe this guy wants to dance with us!

STUDENT 1: Let us shamelessly approach him.

(The TWO DISOBEDIENT STUDENTS surround SUPERMAO and begin shaking their hips in his general direction, like FAT AMERICAN DEMON ELVIS PRESLEY. SUPERMAO notices that they are gathering attention from onlookers, thus promoting open-mindedness. It is within his super responsibility to take appropriate action.)

STUDENT 1: I’m not feeling too well. It almost feels as if I’m—

SUPERMAO: –turning into a heap of smoldering rice?

STUDENT 1: Whaa???

(STUDENT 1 explodes, and rice rains down over the courtyard for the children and women to enjoy. They are thankful. SUPERMAO squints his eyes and white light emanates from his pupils.)

STUDENT 2: Oh no! Oh please, no, do not kill me! I renounce my wicked ways and solemnly dedicate myself to Your service. I wish for nothing but the uniformity and cohesion of this nation. I am so sorry!

SUPERMAO: Apology accepted…NOT!

(SUPERMAO raises his arms triumphantly and a strong breeze causes panic in the courtyard. Suddenly, from the East, a green dragon with SUPERMAO’S face flies in and graphically devours STUDENT 2. SUPERMAO’S eyes return to their normal state, and he is erotically satisfied with himself. The dragon serenades SUPERMAO with beautiful, high-pitched growls in recognition of his superiority.)

THE DALAI LAMA: In honor of this noble deed you have performed, I, the Dalai Lama, formally apologize for Tibet’s disobedience.

(THE DALAI LAMA gives himself a wedgie as a show of penance. The scene ends with flock of sparrows forming a silhouette of SUPERMAO’S face against the subservient sunset.)