Awesome.

Same Sex Marriages Begin in California

Finally, Pete Wentz and Ashley Simpson can be official.

BBC Presents: The American Gladiators

David Attenborough: Welcome to BBC Presents: The American Gladiators. I’m your host, David Attenborough. Today we will observe how the Gladiators live when not in the presence of a studio audience. We have disguised several cameramen as stacks of books so that they might be ignored in the Gladiators’ natural habitat, their cave. Let’s have a look, shall we?

Three American Gladiators, WOLF, TITAN, and TOA, are gathered outside their cave trying to retrieve honey from a tall tree using stones. Gladiator HELLGA is foraging NICK HOGAN’S totaled Toyota Supra for something to make a spear with. Gladiator ZEN has been partially devoured, and has been discarded in a nearby bush; the Gladiators deemed him an insufficient Gladiator and meal.

David Attenborough: As you can see, the American Gladiator is a primitive beast, entirely ignorant of social constraints and normative behavior. The cannibalistic actions they demonstrated towards Zen are the result of a fireside tribunal held the previous evening, where Zen’s flamboyant display of martial arts and gymnastics was dismissed as “gay.” Let’s have a look at Titan, who is now slathering himself with homemade Vaseline made of boar’s fat and squashed pollywog. This is a ritual common to all Gladiators, as it is necessary to increase their glisten. Typically, American Gladiators does five percent better in the Nielsen ratings because of the glisten effect.

Gladiator TOA is carrying a dead rabbit with dandelions in its mouth. He gives it to HELLGA, and sniffs her neck.

David Attenborough: Unbelievable! This is truly a rare occurrence, as mating season isn’t scheduled to begin for another two months or so—at least until the males’ systems clear of anabolic steroids, thus allowing their testicles to function properly. What we’re witnessing now is a marriage proposal. Gladiators mate for life, and it appears that Hellga has accepted Toa’s proposal, since she is now wearing the rabbit like a hat. Uh oh, looks like it’s not going over well with the other Gladiators.

Gladiator WOLF expresses dissatisfaction with the engagement by growling at the two and beating his head against a boulder. Similarly, Gladiator CRUSH is sobbing and pounding an idle nerd.

David Attenborough: It appears as if Wolf has affection for Hellga, and Crush has affection for Toa. The Gladiators must reconcile their differences in the only way they know how: a joust. Behind their cave, the Gladiators have crudely fashioned two elevated platforms out of moss and discarded energy drink cans. They will fight using not the giant q-tips we recognize from the show, but rather two enormous logs. Let’s have a look as Crush and Hellga face off.

TITAN makes a loud squealing sound in substitution of a whistle, and the fight begins. CRUSH and HELLGA pound each other relentlessly, but both appear immune to pain. Eventually they both pass out, accomplishing nothing.

David Attenborough: Since the ladies have reached a draw, the marital dispute will be resolved through the men’s contest. As you can see, Wolf is preparing for the bout by using an owl as a speed bag. Toa is preparing by praying to an old volleyball. Let’s have a look as the match begins.

TITAN signifies the start of the fight, and WOLF and TOA begin to deal one another blows.

David Attenborough: Heavens, what a match this is! Toa, with a hard rib shot. Wolf returns with a stiff jab to the chest and a growl. They are both flailing wildly, and have gone retarded with rage. What a cruel, animalistic bunch they are. Wait a second…hold on…is that…it is! Hulk Hogan has now joined them, and he is punishing them both a la Andre the Giant with monstrous body slams. Hulk Hogan is victorious!

HULK HOGAN flexes the 24” inch pythons for the female Gladiators, and they all leave together in his enormous yellow truck. Unbeknownst to HULK HOGAN, he has left behind his robot-ish daughter, BROOKE HOGAN. She dances seductively for the Gladiators in hopes of obtaining a mate.

David Attenborough: Toa and Wolf are now having a conversation with one another. Let’s have a listen.

Toa: I are too smart for her.

Wolf: Agrood. Let’s find animal wife.

David Attenborough: And with that, the two Gladiators are friends again. My, what a remarkable series of events we’ve witnessed today. Join me next week, as Mayhem learns the truth about Santa Claus.

Worst/Best Movie Clips Ever

I was pretty impressed that someone took not only the liberty to compile all these clips, but to actually watch the movies.