I found out through an email today that this blog still exists. I could’ve sworn I deleted it, but I guess it turns out you can’t delete a WordPress blog. Oh well.

Visit Yankee Pot Roast and read my poorly written, highly offensive story about pilgrims and such.

Click this different-colored text to go to the story.

(SUPERMAO walks into an open courtyard. He is decked out in silver and purple, the greatest of all colors. Several young men stand attentively, discussing which animal might be my favorite. Women show humility by keeping their eyes on their feet. It is a glorious day for SUPERMAO to peacefully contemplate himself.)

SUPERMAO: Because I find my identity in a functional, superior body of citizens and have no concept of self, it seems I have forgotten my super qualities.

MAN 1: You are intelligent, industrious, and you shoot laser calligraphy from your eyes.

MAN2: You are unbelievably lifelike with your hand puppetry.

WILT CHAMBERLAIN: Your escapades virginize me. Also, you are taller than me.

(TWO DISOBEDIENT STUDENTS enter the courtyard and cause a disturbance. One’s hair exceeds the appropriate length of five centimeters, and the other looks like he might own a book.)

STUDENT 1: Look how disruptive I am! Disrupting things is my favorite pastime!

STUDENT 2: We are disciples of American rebellion. Our interest in outside literature and art poses a threat that is nearly nuclear.

(SUPERMAO’S gyroscopic core begins to generate heat, causing him to take on dragon-like qualities. The TWO DISOBEDIENT STUDENTS’ knowledge of the liberal arts angers him to where he considers disemboweling them through their navels. SUPERMAO is patient yet.)

STUDENT 2: Hey, shouldn’t we have a dance party?

STUDENT 1: Good idea! As long as it is fun, it must be right.

STUDENT 2: Maybe this guy wants to dance with us!

STUDENT 1: Let us shamelessly approach him.

(The TWO DISOBEDIENT STUDENTS surround SUPERMAO and begin shaking their hips in his general direction, like FAT AMERICAN DEMON ELVIS PRESLEY. SUPERMAO notices that they are gathering attention from onlookers, thus promoting open-mindedness. It is within his super responsibility to take appropriate action.)

STUDENT 1: I’m not feeling too well. It almost feels as if I’m—

SUPERMAO: –turning into a heap of smoldering rice?

STUDENT 1: Whaa???

(STUDENT 1 explodes, and rice rains down over the courtyard for the children and women to enjoy. They are thankful. SUPERMAO squints his eyes and white light emanates from his pupils.)

STUDENT 2: Oh no! Oh please, no, do not kill me! I renounce my wicked ways and solemnly dedicate myself to Your service. I wish for nothing but the uniformity and cohesion of this nation. I am so sorry!

SUPERMAO: Apology accepted…NOT!

(SUPERMAO raises his arms triumphantly and a strong breeze causes panic in the courtyard. Suddenly, from the East, a green dragon with SUPERMAO’S face flies in and graphically devours STUDENT 2. SUPERMAO’S eyes return to their normal state, and he is erotically satisfied with himself. The dragon serenades SUPERMAO with beautiful, high-pitched growls in recognition of his superiority.)

THE DALAI LAMA: In honor of this noble deed you have performed, I, the Dalai Lama, formally apologize for Tibet’s disobedience.

(THE DALAI LAMA gives himself a wedgie as a show of penance. The scene ends with flock of sparrows forming a silhouette of SUPERMAO’S face against the subservient sunset.)

I laughed pretty hard while reading this, which is a small miracle since my median ventral prefrontal cortex is more or less a pile of applesauce after living under power lines my whole life. Good work, Harvard Lampoon.

1. No freshman shall act in a manner unbecoming of a scholar.

2. No freshman shall speak to his senior with his hat on.

3. No freshman shall lean at prayers but shall stand upright.

4. No freshman shall wear his hat in the College yard except when it rains, snows, or hails, or if he be on horseback and hath both hands full with corn, sow feed, or the like, or if he be whipping of his Indian.

5. When a freshman returns to his lodgings and finds that his seniors be baiting a bear within, he shall not conceal his sharpest spears but bring them forth, even if he and his fellows wish to go a-baiting on the morrow.

6. No freshman shall wear his hat while sleeping, except if he put forth a sound reason for doing so, for example, that his head gets cold.

7. At no time shall a freshman beat merrily upon his drum or blow saucily upon his fife, least of all during the hours in which he and his fellows are studying that perfect race, the Greeks.

8. No freshman shall wear his hat at almost any time, yet still it is necessary for him to have a hat.

9. When a freshman is told to go inside a cage, he shall not ask his senior impertinent questions or stall him with an escaping rush but instead shall climb up of his own accord and sing the song that has been taught him, “I Am a Fearful Cage-Bound Boy, Mother,” whilst swinging mournfully back and forth.

10. No freshman shall write his lower case “S’s” as “S’s” but instead shall write them as long and fancy “F’s.”

11. No freshman shall ever be without barrel staves, lest his senior should request a barrel be built him and find the freshman lacking in supplies.

12. When the howl of wolves outside the College gates becomes most loathsome, and the chill of winter freezes dread into the heart and ice onto the eyes, and the Indians which do toil in our fields have most bewilderingly slipped off, leaving us no choice but to sadly starve; during such a time as this, no freshman shall mock his senior for the shedding of tears, but shall instead shed tears along with him, and together, we shall all long for that happy day upon which we return to England.

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